In Memoriam Craig Sager

Hey team!

     Sorry I haven't posted since 9/9. It turns out someone forgot to wake me up when September ended, but fret not, this is My December. I have a lengthier post in the ol' pipeline right now, but she's waiting on some photographic accompaniments so until then you get this young buck.

     Someone once said to me, "Hey! You should write a blog about cancer and you're struggle with it!" and I responded, "lolfuckthatbro." I didn't want to for a lot of reasons, but mostly I just don't really care to talk about it. If someone brings it up and wants to talk about what's going on, I can and will give you an earful. I'm in a real unique and bizarre situation so I fully understand all of the curiosity...

...especially the morbid musings. We all sort of know what cancer is. We hear it all the time on commercials, TV, the NFL, and, more importantly, our day to day life. Most of us don't really know what it entails, but we know what the end results usually are. You get diagnosed, you get pumped full of poison, and then you usually die, but not without being given the opportunity to yank a few mores years out of Death's grasp and live a bit longer, reflect on your past, present, and potential future, mend up relations, and yatta yatta yatta. We're also told that the extra years you're provided usually are full of pain, sadness, and feeling like shit. While that is sort of true, it's mostly horseshit. I just want everyone to know that.

     There's really only one thing to do when you're given such news and it sure as shit isn't crying, moping, and being a total Debbie Downer. The only way to take it is for what it is and that's a second chance, a gift, hitting the pause button to reassess your life, and learn to get the fuck over it. As weird as this probably is to hear, it's probably harder to say it, but this whole cancer mess might be the best thing to ever happen to me. It's brought my family closer together, afforded me an entirely different outlook on life (and it's really no where near as bleak as we are all led to believe,) I've never taken care of my body this well or have felt this good before in my life, but most importantly it gave me chance after chance after chance to look those who are (allegedly) far more knowledgeable than I am right in the eye and give them one big, fat "Told you so. lol."

     Seriously, you all know how much I like giving the ol' ITYS card so this has really been a great run. I think I've done a good job of keeping my head on straight and staying sane, driven, excited, and optimistic. I've obviously taken some hits and have had my challenges along the way, but this journey has been easier than I thought and a total gift, all things considered, and as much as I'd like to take credit for doing it on my own, I can't. As many of you know, an incredible, incredible human being was just taken away from us by the name of Craig Sager. As much as I've leaned on my immediate support system over the past 18 months, there hasn't been a soul in the world that I've looked up to more than Craig Sager. When this all started for me, I honestly felt like I was very capable and very well-equipped to handle this and I don't think I was wrong about that, but having a high level of confidence coupled with the continuation of proving doctors, doubters, and delusionals wrong can take you places where people shouldn't go very often. I felt invincible, almost infallible even, like how can anyone be doing better than this? I was even called an X-Man which means I'm one step closer to reaching my goal of becoming Hugh Jackman.

    Then the news of Craig Sager's diagnosis came to fruition. He was 63 at the time and needed radiation therapy, bone marrow transplants, dialysis, the whole fucking nine, ya got it? That's tough shit. that's real tough (wo)man shit. That's tough to endure at any age, let alone 63, but the way Craig Sager went about it was truly remarkable. His attitude was some next level shit. His tact, his poise, his unfailing optimism, his ambition, and ever present smile truly made him my rock. I don't often complain, I don't often get sad, miserable, or whatever synonym you want to drop here. I've tried to remain stoic and pragmatic, and mostly cheerful, but even I have moments of weakness. It is shockingly easy to talk yourself into complacency, or into giving up, or this, that, and the other. Whenever any sort of negative thoughts entered my head, I immediately turned to Craig Sager and without fail he inspired me to pin back my ears, grab my lunch box, and go to work. His infectious cheerfulness, humor, and lightheartedness were hard NOT to catch and the best part about it is that it wasn't a farce, a gimmick, or a facade. As I'm sure anyone who watches basketball know that that's just who the guy was. He always had a smile, a joke, a hug, or a laugh to give. If players or coaches ever gave him a hard time or tried pushing his buttons, he laughed it off. Even in his darkest hours, being challenged by something bigger than he's ever encountered, he STILL remained who he was and never let his convictions falter. When people say "Be better," they're referring to the benchmark that Craig Sager set. Everyone needs a hero and he's mine.

    This post was supposed to be me telling everyone about my recent computer issues and that I will have a post talking about the morbidity, side effects, and all that juicy goodness of cancer. Someone told me I should write about the goings on behind the scenes because there might be someone out there that needs to hear them and I didn't really understand that concept until I realized that even I needed someone. The post clearly turned into something much more than that and it still isn't about photography. If I'm being honest it's getting a bit hard for me to write right now and I've already gotten too emotional for my liking so I'm going to have to put the rest of what he meant to me on hold for now. Here's one of my favorite quotes of his

“If I’ve learned anything through all of this, it’s that each and every day is a canvas, waiting to be painted — an opportunity for love, for fun, for living, for learning."
                                               -Craig Sager 

I will run with the bulls in Pamplona,  I will race Andretti in Indianapolis. I will climb the Great Wall of China. I will wrestle gators in Florida. I will sail the ocean with Ted Turner (probably someone else.) I will swim the oceans in the Caribbean.  I won't jump out of airplanes over Kansas though, fuck that. Call me King Louie 'cause I wan'na be like you, Craig.

To once again quote you,

“I will never give up, and I will never give in. I will continue to keep fighting, sucking the marrow out of life, as life sucks the marrow out of me. I will live my life full of love and full of fun. It’s the only way I know how.”

                                                           -Craig Sager

RIP You beautiful man.

P.S. Oh, and I don't plan on dying, folks.

On Photograp...Gotcha! On Attitude. On Meditation. sort of?

Who Knows, really?  


     I have two months of blog post topics planned, laid out, and in a format for me to stick to, but each week I look at it and just give it the finger. I might be the most irresponsible blogger of all time. Do I count as a blogger if I'm the only one who reads it? Well...the answer to that is addressed in this blog! Sort of.

   Today it's all about attitude. Objectively speaking, my life sort of sucks. I was living the dream as a world renowned thespian in Los Angeles when out of no where my colon was tickled by the kiss of cancer. I had to throw away my dream, abandon the progress I've made, and move back into my parents' house in Arizona. I've also been unemployed for over a year, which sounds great, but it gets old. I'll address that in the forthcoming photography post.

"My colon was tickled by the kiss of cancer."

    That was the most satisfying use the a) the quote function, and, b) Comic Sans.

    I think everything is awesome. I'm awesome, you're awesome, my dogs are awesome, your dogs are second place awesome, everything is awesome. I don't always show it, but I truly, truly love everyone I meet and everything that's come into my life. I know that sounds like hyperbole, but the amount of appreciation that I have for literally everything that I've experienced is...large. How's that for a adjective based let down?

     I meditate two to three times per day. Mindfulness Meditation when I wake up and before bed and various moments of self reflection drizzled in throughout the day . The two MM sessions keep me focused, grateful, and open, but the fleeting moments of loneliness that I spend with myself are where the real magic happens. I quickly, deliberately draw upon every problem in my life and deeply focus on each one. I then let them all go and quickly, deliberately draw upon every blessing in my life and deeply focus on each one. If you're being honest, it will be overwhelming and incredibly emotional.
I'll do a quick on on having cancer: I was swimming in the ocean of cancer past all the things about it that I can't change and I arrived on the shore of Friendship Island.

“…fleeting moments of loneliness that I spend with myself are where the real magic happens”

Honestly, and I'm crying now, cancer has been one of my biggest blessings, too. It threatened so much of my year. It threatened to not let me see my best friend marry the love of his life, it threatened to not let me meet my brand new nephew or to see the unadulterated look of happiness on my sister's and mom's faces, it threatened to abandon my loving girlfriend in a desert by herself, it threatened to take my parents baby boy from them, it threatened to take Brody and Gertie's dad away from them.

     Friendship Island is my favorite place in all of Cancer Ocean. To use my buddy's wedding for example; I was a walking ball of happiness and anxiety the entire night. I was so, so, so happy for him. periodically though, as I looked around at everyone dancing, I broke down into a peculiar dump of emotion. You see, one of the doctor's that I first sought an opinion from gave me a pretty fresh three month time line. I said no to her or course, but oncologists don't just make up their estimates, they do come from somewhere, so the severity of it all was very apparent. When I coupled that feeling of surrealism with the happiness I was experiencing, it made me realize: I almost wasn't there, I almost wasn't able to watch my best friend walk down the aisle. I almost wasn't there for my best friend if he needed me. That idea brought me to tears whenever it came to mind (currently) but the benefit of it all...I am still here! Just that very brief thought, and it is brief, has opened my eyes to just how much I care about those in my life. It's a very vague description and I'll elaborate in a forthcoming YouTube Channel with the BruCrewBros, but it allows me to participate in each moment deliberately in ways that I could never have imagined.

“Friendship Island is my favorite place in all of Cancer Ocean.”

I truly believe that this method of deeply experiencing your sorrow and following that up with deeply experiencing your happiness is one of the most refreshing things I've ever done and can be scaled accordingly, of course, because problems are all relative.

     Stay Tickled

-Safford McGivens

On Photograp.....wait, no. On Cancer

     As I stated in my previous post, I came down with a touch of the cancers. I’ll throw you all a quick timeline bone without getting too much into it now. I’ll tell you all a more in depth story about it another time, but it’s pretty heavy and emotional so until then, you get this:

     June 5, 2015 I was living in Los Angeles at the time and I was out at some cover band night at Dirty Laundry, a bar in Hollywood. It’s a great spot if you ever get a chance to visit. You need to go down a dark alleyway, go down a creepy set of stairs, and walk into an unmarked, sketchy door to get inside, but once you’re in the party don’t stop. It’s in an old basement and there are different rooms set to different themes; Trick rooms, lounges, bar tops, music room complete with a stage and sound set up, etc. Very cool stuff. I was there with three of my roommates and a few friends from work to let loose a little. I’m not very good at attacking something half assed and when I drank it was the same thing. One whiskey ginger ale turned into eight in about an hour and I was feeling good on a Wednesday before you could say “Grande fat free, sugar free caramel macchiato please!”

     I stumbled on home at around 2AM (by stumble I mean took a cab because I lived in the Hills and I wasn’t going to walk up a mountain inebriated. Or ever. Because fuck that.) I didn’t sleep so well that night and had some general feelings of stomach discomfort, but I attributed that to the fact that I drank so much in so little time and I don’t sleep well ever. Totally normal, right!? Wrong!

     At the time I was working behind the bar at a vegan tequila bar in West Hollywood by the name of Gracis Madre. Once again, if you make your way to Hollywood check it out! It’s delicious and has easily the best cocktails in the city. Easily. Over the next few days my stomach really started to bother me. I was in severe pain from laughing, breathing, reaching above my head, and really any amount of movement. I was planning on just working through it and getting to my day off and hopefully sleeping away the pain as I’ve always done, but I was in the process of courting a lady, who also happened to be my boss, and one night at my place I woke up with night sweats for the third day in a row and the stomach pain was worsening. She told me not to go into work, if I did she would have me fired she said, and to go to the ER. So when I woke up in a pile of sweat the next morning, I hopped into my car and drove to Ceder Sinai in Beverly Hills. Because I’m a world renowned thespian and I belong in Beverly Hills.

     This post was originally supposed to be about my growing interest in film photography and photography in general, but apparently it’s not so easy to introduce the ol’ stage 4 cancer at 25 bit. I’ll finish this up quickly and my next post will be about photography.

            So…Cedar Sinai, great place. The staff couldn’t have been friendlier. Or better looking. I felt like I was in the middle of Grey’s Anatomy episode so in a way I achieved my goal of landing a role on a major television show within a year. I went in to sit in a waiting room for a few hours on a very empty stomach (I stopped at Wendy’s on the way, but I got suckered into giving my freshly purchased food to a homeless guy who just had his food thrown away by a police officer because he was protecting and serving.) I finally went to the back, had to submit a bunch of tests, and it ended with an ultrasound of my liver. All of the doctors were accusing me of being an alcoholic, having Hep C, or cirrhosis.

 Was I an alcoholic? Ehhh…debatable, but I was 25. I drank a lot, but c’mon. Hepititis? I mean I dabbled in some dibble I shouldn’t have dabbled in I suppose, but….nope. Cirrhoris? No. My only reason is because I hear about it in commercials. I’m not a commercial disease kind of guy. I saw the images. I’m not an idiot. My liver was riddled with almost two dozen spots and you don’t get that kind of liver damage from drinking on the weekends. I had an instant gut feeling that it was liver cancer as soon as they started questioning me. Now you’re probably asking: Hey, you said it was colon cancer!! Oh, I did. This shit is metastatic, son. Go big or go home.

            I’m going to leave you with that for now. It’s a good ending point. A routine ER visit turned into a weeklong stay at the hospital full of biopsies, needle stabs, bood tests, and scared parents coming in from out of town. The first week of June is really the beginning of my journey back to Arizona, my fight with cancer, and the stress it’s put on all my relationships (spoiler alert: My former boss moved states with me and became my girlfriend. DUN DUN DUN!!!)

As you can see, really like photography!

On Writing: Alliteration

Hey, team,

     It's my first post! The point of this blog is to give you all a view through the window to my heart, mind, body, and soouuullll baby while also providing myself an outlet to freely express my thoughts and emotions in a way that's meaningful and practical to me. It will typically revolve  around various things going on in my life like writing (today's!,) my relationships, my adventures, and dealing with my back and forth dance with the devil (Cancer. More on that later. It's pretty juicy.)

         Writing is a beautiful tool that everyone can used as an art form to express themselves, use as a journal for stress relief, or assist you in telling a story. Like everything, everyone can be good at it if they try hard enough. You may never be GREAT, but you can definitely be GOOD through constant practice. In conjunction with this blog, I like to give myself periodic writing exercises. They can be little things like writing a short poem, writing a story with alliteration (today's!,) or writing a micro story about an inanimate object on the desk in front of me (or you?) 

   The reason I like to do alliteration exercises is because it puts your brain under duress from constantly looking for seldom used words for familiar ideas. It thrusts you into unfamiliar territory and really makes you flex the ol' vocabulary to get some extra use out of your words. It allows you to keep your head full of ideas and forces you to keep the tip of your pen wet.

"Living life lavishly lately, I’ve looked longingly

 for the fictitious forces being fantastically fabricated from our own flight of fancy. I’m fastened to the

 insightful illumination that inspiration is an illusion, intelligence is insincere, and intellectuality is an invention. Ingenuity, intellect, and imagination are extinct. 

I may have lost my marbles by milking my mind dry from meditating on all of the misery and misgivings of the masses.

 I've potentially given some punk the power to pillage and plunder my proclamations. He’ll push back my prophecies as punitive and penal. When that happens,

 the world we wanted without exception will be wrecked. The wallowing, the woeful, and the weary will rise up while we wait like wax statues wondering what went wrong. 

Reality is repeatedly in front of you rightfully resting for a revolutionary to reach for a rifle and reignite a new renaissance to reinvigorate the rank-and-file to decipher their new, 

distinct delusions as day dreams or as dire designs for a new de facto destination."

   

     It's always tough showing anyone something personal and writing is no exception. Even something as simple as the above exercise is deeply personal and a reflection of my skill as a writer and of my feelings. It feels good to get it out there.

So, remember...

Keep your head full and your tip wet.

-Safford McGivens